Straight Talk to Teens and How You Know You Need Therapy

Don’t you hate it when people tell you that you need therapy?

It’s a nice way of saying, “Hey, Girl, you know you are a little crazy, right?” or a subtle way of saying, “Girl, you are so messed up you need to have your head unshrinked.”

So it’s really annoying to have people tell you that there’s something wrong with you and stick their nose into your business by telling you stuff like that.

It’s bad enough when it’s a real good friend who is driving you nuts about it, but it’s even worse when it’s your mother, father, teacher, or principal. Oh yeah, probably it’s the worst when it’s the next door neighbor or your older Miss Perfect Sister who is so good that a little gum in her hair would make the world a better place.

But if you sneak a peek to the bottom of this article, you are going to read the little bio about me and it tells you, among other things, that I am a therapist. I figured I should be totally upfront about this before you read this article, so just in case therapists like totally make you nervous, you can stop reading this article. I thought it’s only fair to let you know.

Hmm. Still reading? Got yourself some Tylenol to settle your queasiness about therapy so you can stomach the rest? Okay, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

This article is going to be about three things: How to know if you need therapy. How to find the right therapist. How therapy works. If there’s a fourth thing, I will let you at the end. Hey, I said I was a therapist, not a mathematician!

Part I: How do I know if I need therapy? (I was also a writing teacher in my old life, so I like stuff like Part I and Part II and so on. I’m just not a big fan of regent essays…)

The best way to know if you need therapy is if you are pretty miserable. I don’t mean the I-can’t-believe-I-got-a-pimple-on-the-day-of-my-best-friend’s-sister’s-wedding kind of miserable. I mean the type of miserable in which your whole life seems like one huge pimple sitting on the edge of your nose. That kind! It’s the kind of miserable that just doesn’t go away, even if you have some good days. It’s the kind of miserable where even if you pretend you are fine and everyone thinks you are fine, you are so totally not fine. Because maybe you can fool the world, but you can’t fool yourself.

There are symptoms that can be warning signs that you are not okay. Here’s just a few. Feeling down or a loss of interest in stuff you used to enjoy doing. Weight gain or weight loss that is not proportionate to your age or development. Plunging grades or obsession with perfect grades. Problems getting along with friends, teachers, or parents. Engaging in activities or actions that you are deliberately keeping a secret from your family or friends. Feeling really anxious a lot of the time and either being unable to stop your worry or engaging in weird habits to try to control your worry. There’s lots more, but you get my drift.

The other clue to maybe you need therapy, is if important people in your life are telling you that you need therapy. I believe you when you say that those people are really annoying, and totally don’t get you, and are even the real reason you are having problems to begin with. Like your principal. Or your mother. Or your best friend who is changing on you. I believe you, I do.

I will tell you my philosophy about principal, teachers, and parents who try to ssend their kids into therapy when very often the kid is fine and it’s her family or school that’s not. So let’s say everyone is telling you that you need therapy, and you know without a doubt that you don’t, but they do. Okay. Fine. So therapy is probably the best way to help you figure out how to deal with those annoying people in your life so you can live the kind of stress-free life you deserve.

And it’s very possible, once you get these people off your back through therapy, you can also learn new ways of living with your parents, Miss Perfect Sister, and even your school, without everyone wanting to jump off the Empire State Building.

Part II: How do I find the right therapist?

This part is going to be really short. You know you found the right therapist if you like her and feel you can trust her. And that’s a judgment you can make pretty quickly, usually after two sessions with her.

But there’s more stuff to tell you.

Usually, your parent or teacher, or someone else that cares about you is going to help you find a therapist. What they need to find for you is someone who is licensed legally. Because being a therapist is a special kind of job. So your parents need to find someone who works specifically with teens, someone who they can afford to pay or takes your insurance, and if relevant, someone who specializes in the problem you specifically have. You can also find out about therapists by calling RELIEF, calling someone you trust like a rav, teacher, or mentor.

But you also need to think about what is important to you. Do you want someone from your community, or do you want someone specifically not from your neighborhood? Is the location important because you want to be able to get there by yourself without having your parent drive you, or because you want to make sure it’s an office that’s situated so that no one sees you going in there?

When you meet that therapist for the first time, you need to ask tough questions like how is she planning on helping you and how long does she think therapy will take. Don’t be afraid to ask her about her licensing and credentials, and what makes her qualified to be a therapist.

You need to ask her the most important question of all: how does confidentiality work? If you are under 18, legally your parents are allowed to talk to the therapist and find out what you tell her. They can even sign a release that allows her to talk to your teachers about you! But hey, you are not that silly that you are going to talk to a therapist if you know she is going to talk to your parents about what you say. You need to make sure you like her answers about confidentiality and feel you will be protected in her office, even if you are under 18. (If you are 18 or older, even if your parents are paying for therapy, the therapist is legally not allowed to divulge any information you tell her. If she does, you can report her and she can lose her license to practice!).

Part III: How does therapy work?

Whoa. Loaded question. I will try to make it simple. Talking clarifies the problems either you are having or others decided they are having with you. Sometimes the talking itself can lead to change that makes everyone happy. Therapist use a special type of talking, that may look like regular shmoozing, but has many layers that help a person identify and tackle their problems.

Then there is behavioral work in therapy. If there is a specific behavior that is bothering a person, like excessive eating, excessive studying, fear of flying or leaving the house, anxiety, or anything else, therapy can target those behaviors in a special way to help a person get rid of them.

A therapist can advocate for her teen client. A therapist can help the people in the client’s environment (like teachers, parents or siblings) make the home or school a better place for the teen.

There’s trauma therapy and talk therapy and behavioral therapy and sand therapy and play therapy and family therapy. There are so many therapies and most therapists can do a few different types as the need arises.

Okay, we finished the main parts. But I am sure you must have so many more questions. What if my parents don’t let me go to therapy? What if I really don’t want to go to therapy even if I know I need it? What if my friends find out I am in therapy? What if I can’t stand the therapist? What if it costs too much and I feel guilty for making my parents shell out so much money? What if the therapist doesn’t like me? What if I get too shy to talk? Why on earth would I even talk to this strange person? Am I really crazy if I go to therapy?

You are giving me a headache with all your questions.

But I will answer you anyways.

If your parents don’t want or let you go to therapy, then try to enlist the help of your rav, teacher or principal to convince them of the importance. There’s ways to work it out whether or not they want.

If you don’t want to go therapy, then don’t. Therapy can only help you if you want to be helped. So forget it. Maybe when you are super miserable—like not only you have a pimple sitting on your nose, but your whole face is covered in pimples, you will finally go for help. It’s your choice.

If your friends find out you are in therapy, most likely they will be either supportive or jealous. And you have no idea how many regular teens from normal homes and schools are in therapy. You can join the club.

If you can’t stand the therapist, then she is not the person for you. Don’t give up on therapy, just dump her and go on to try someone else. It happens. And don’t worry about hurting her feelings. Not every client and therapist is a good shidduch. You think everyone likes me? Nope. Therapists work together. Your therapist will be more likely to try to match you up with another therapist than get insulted. And if your therapist does get insulted, then for sure you don’t want to continue with her. You have enough of our own problems; you don’t need hers too.

If money is an issue, your parent can call up an agency like Tikvah or Jewish Board and explain your problem and ask them to help you find a therapist in their agency. It won’t cost you any money because they will take your insurance. If you care about privacy, go to an agency outside of your neighborhood. And if you meet your classmate there in the waiting room, you are both not telling anyone anyway.

Personally, I haven’t yet met a teenager I didn’t like. And I doubt that you would be the first! Therapists generally like their clients. And if people generally don’t like you or if you are insecure that they don’t, then that is precisely why you need to run to your nearest therapist and figure out why.

It’s definitely weird to talk to a stranger about your personal stuff. But the weirder thing is, that therapy works in this special way, that once you connect to your therapist, and you start talking, it feels great. It’s like a delicious bubble bath or bar of chocolate that you savor each week. If you ever indulged yourself with a manicure, a massage, or a hot chocolate cake with vanilla ice, believe it or not when I tell you that therapy is a thousand times better.

So you want to know if you go to therapy then are you crazy?

Yes.

Just kidding.

I am not a very good judge of craziness because my own kids think that I am slightly crazy. And I love them even though they are boring and normal (don’t tell them I said that!). So who am I to judge? What does matter more than the question of your craziness more than the question of your misery.

You are definitely nuts if you choose to stay miserable than help yourself with therapy.

Originally published in the Jewish Press Newspaper