The Missing Mother

I have 3 children b”h all close in age. My husband and I work full time jobs in order to afford a frum lifestyle. I feel that I am there for the children as most of the time I work they are in school.
From time to time, I feel that I’m not giving enough individual attention to each child, and feel guilty about missing some school events because of work.
My question is what can I do to make each child feel like they are my only focus.

Thank you
Chaya R
Marine park

Answer:
Let me reassure first off that children are extremely resilient. If you are truly there for your children, and are cognizant of of how you parent them as a family unit and as individuals, even if you miss some school events, even if you mess up sometimes, they will thrive.

There are different aspects of your question and I will address each part.

Guilt is a feeling we need to experience when we are doing something wrong so that we can learn from the past and improve the present and future. If you are feeling guilt then it is important that you honestly evaluate why you are working, and if your reasons are truly valid.

You say you work to afford a frum lifestyle. Hmm.

What constitutes for you a frum lifestyle?

It’s easy for a thirteen year old son, who after a stunted relationship with his absentee parents because they are working to “afford a frum lifestyle” to agree with you money to throw that lavish bar mitzvah to compete with his school friends and help him “fit in” is more important than a relationship with you, your presence at home, and your participation at his school functions.

But I don’t know if a thirteen year old who has enjoyed a good relationship with present parents would not be able to demonstrate resiliency and confidence when he understands that materialism is less urgent than relationships and accept his less-than-his-peer’s type of bar mitzvah with the knowledge that you have chosen to afford a frum-but-lesser lifestyle.

It’s important to be honest with yourself if you are working more for your own personal satisfaction  and needs than for this self-sacrificial attitude of having to work to afford a frum lifestyle.

If you are truly working because there are no other choices: maybe your husband doesn’t work at all or has insufficient parnassah; maybe you live in a neighborhood where living and tuition expenses are high, or simply because you are unhappy as a full time mother and derive immense satisfaction with your work, then as long as you prioritize, you can raise healthy children.

My next question is why would you be missing school events?

You must have vacation days. Why aren’t you using them to attend your children’s plays and graduations?

If you honestly have valid reasons not to, communication and compensation can reduce the child’s distress. Communicate with the children the problem, brainstorm alternatives, and compensate with your undivided presence at a more convenient  time.        Explain to your child your dilemma, validate his/her upset and anger, and apologize. Then figure out alternative ideas. Can your husband make it there? An aunt or uncle? Grandparent or neighbor who can videotape the event? Lastly, work out a special time with your child in which he/she can enjoy your time. Watch the videotaped event together. Go out for breakfast while you take a babysitter in the morning, or let him stay up a half hour later while you do a craft together, or play a game.

It’s not hard to make a child feel your pain at missing his events if you communicate appropriately.

The last piece I would like to address is your comment on how you can make your child feel like an individual.

This is the hardest because it is not enough to do things to make your child feel special and unique; you need to truly feel that way.

Enjoy your child’s company.

Find traits that you like about her.

Laugh at his jokes.

Ask her opinions.

Try to touch base at least one time a day for 5-10 minutes individually. Maybe wake up earlier in the morning, maybe come to her bed at night. If you are stuck at work, Skype or Facetime. We no longer have excuses to avoid contact with our children because we are away at work.  When your child is young, a simple conversation can consist of a simple, “Tell me one bad thing about your day and one good thing about your day.”

Share something about your day with your child.

Cut down the evenings you go out to attend events and affairs that are less important to you than your children.

Don’t compare your children to each other or to anyone else.

Celebrate her achievements, downplay the failures.

I would encourage you not to count homework time as time spent together. If possible, if homework is stressful for your child, hire a neighbor  or someone else do it with him so that the time you are home does not become a battleground. Preserve your relationship with your child at all costs. Homework that is undone is the teacher’s problem, not yours. The same is with dinner time. If your time at home is limited, structure dinner and accept his eating habits with minimal stress. If you are rarely home, and [quality] time is limited, you do not have enough credit in your child’s bank, so to speak, to argue about these things.

Here is one last thing:

For children to be healthy, the mother must be healthy.

Stop feeling guilty for choices that you have made that are right now the best you can do. Do engage in activities that you enjoy even if it means less time with your kids. Improve your marriage by going out together. Happy marriages breed happy children. And most importantly, if you do not feel emotionally healthy, if you lack the confidence you want to instil in your children, if you experienced your own mother as cold, rejecting, or uninterested in you, then read parenting books, go to parenting classes, or see a therapist to work through these issues so that you do not pass on your inadequacies to another innocent generation.

Originally published in Echo Magazine