Back to the Future or the Past

Dear Mindy

Thank you for all the wonderful of advice you give in your monthly articles. My wife and I find them very interesting and informative.

My question is as follows: I want to invite my mother for Shabbos Nachamu in the bungalow colony. My wife does not want to and says she wants to discuss how my mother has behaved in the past to explain her position. I don’t want to argue with my wife and said that I if she doesn’t want to, we won’t. But she wants to talk about it anyway. She feels that if we discuss what happened in the past then it helps put it behind her, and then maybe we can invite my mother again. I feel it just opens a can of worms and we will just end up arguing about my mother again anyway. I would rather avoid the situation and just not invite her. I would appreciate your feedback on this issue
Thank you

A Confused Husband

Dear Confused,
Don’t you wonder sometimes how the institution of marriage survives so effectively when men and women are usually in diametric opposition about how to approach a situation? It’s pretty incredible, no?

So here you think, as many men do, that the past belongs, well, in the past. And your wife, who is presumably of the female gender, thinks that the past is so important that it needs to be dragged into the present on a fairly regular basis. Welcome to the typical marriage!

Joking aside, it’s worth to examine the merits of both approaches, and when and how to deal with events of the past.

It seems like purely common sense to say that the past is only relevant if it affects the present; but each spouse may have a different opinion about whether or not a specific event is affecting a present situation.

So the two of you are arguing about whether or not to invite your mother to the bungalow colony for Shabbos Nachamu.  Your wife finds it very relevant to remind you that last summer, when your mother came, she complained about the noise, the dirt, the bugs, and the weather. You patiently point out that it doesn’t matter what happened last year because your mother is alone in the city and  even if she is somewhat unpleasant to have around, it is your filial duty to invite her. Or, you explain that the past is irrelevant because this summer you are have bought your own summer home so she will have nothing to complain about.

A man reading this scenario will nod his head in agreement with you. A woman reading this will laugh her head off how clueless you are.

As a marital counselor, psycho-education is oftentimes important. And here’s what I would educate a struggling couple. There are five basic arguments couples encounter in their marriage: 1.in-laws 2. money 3. religious differences 4. intimacy 5.child-rearing (and everything else is commentary, to paraphrase Hillel HaZaken!).

When a couple gets married, they expect that their relationship will be wonderful, that they will be successful at marriage, that their partner is a decent human being who they want to spend the rest of their lives with. And this article will address those functional couples who are not dealing with dysfunction, but simply the stress of normal married life in which these five basic arguments play themselves out from the very first year and continue for the rest of their lives, albeit in different forms. First it’s arguing about which baby food to buy and then it’s which school they should attend, then which shidduch to make, and so on.

And approaching this situation in which normal couples argue about endless variations of these five basic issues, the question of how relevant is the past becomes an important one.

The past impacts significantly on each of these issues.

A man who wants to invite his mother to the bungalow colony for Shabbos Nachamu even though she is unpleasant to have as a guest is making his decision based on a myriad of interconnecting strands that mostly have their roots in his past. Oftentimes without even realizing or recognizing the connections, be they positive or negative. It may be based on his own father’s treatment of his paternal grandmother, the relationship between his own parents, the dynamics growing up with his mother, his feelings of guilt or gratitude, his traits of responsibility or martyr-hood, his unconscious selflessness or selfishness (to himself, his wife, children, and mother), and many more that I am sure my readers can recognize in themselves when they must make decision that are not advantageous to all their loved ones.

It is often the awareness of these multiple strands that affect our present behavior that helps us make better choices and communicate lovingly with our spouses. Not always can the situation be changed, but validation goes a long way in making a bad situation tolerable.

So going back to your wife and her need to discuss the past.

Woman are good at reflection and introspection; they do it naturally. So I would agree that talking about the past would help put it behind her but only if that discussion builds the necessary awareness and is not a simple rehashing of a tired subject over and over again.

If your wife needs to bring up the past, in how your mother behaved the past summer, how she behaved two years ago by the Pesach Seder, how she behaved five years ago at the Chanukah Party, how she behaved at your son’s upsherin, bar-mitzvah, or wedding, then yes, it would be very useful to have a conversation to help build awareness of your own upbringing, your relationship with your mother, your feelings of guilt or gratitude or maybe both that is driving your decision to invite your mother. It may help your wife understand why you need, and should, invite your mother regardless of her behavior. Or, it may help you understand why you should not invite your mother because of her behavior.

The only times it is not useful to bring up the past, is when a couple kitchen-sinks. You know, that’s the expression used when you do something wrong, and your spouse brings up every past wrong you did, including the kitchen sink!

Kitchen-sinking is not a discussion about the past; it is merely venting in frustration and serves no purpose whatsoever.

Talking about the past only opens up a can of worms if the worms exist. If the can is empty, then there are no worries whatsoever. And if the worms are crawling around trying to escape, it’s worth a discussion how to get rid of them!

Originally published in Echo Magazine