Teen Talk About Therapy

how do I find the right therapist for me?

All right, y’all. You finally agreed to see a therapist. After weeks, months, years of badgering by your older sister, father, teacher, or friend who kept telling you, “You gotta see a therapist,” and you kept saying, “Why? I’m fine. Don’t you see I’m fine?” and your older sister, father, teacher, or friend pretty much rolled their eyes and said, “Duh. NO. Why else would I nudging you to see a therapist?” But they finally convinced you (or rather, you finally capitulated because who are we kidding, you are pretty miserable with the way things are in your life right now and you are ready to try something—anything—to feel better than you are now, even if that means therapy!) and now you are all geared up to find THE therapist who is gonna make you so unmiserable that you will regret you didn’t see her sooner.

But don’t take my word for it; what would I know? I’m only a therapist. And not even such a great one. Ask any of my teen clients. They will say stuff like, “Sure I’m feeling better. But I don’t know if you had anything to do with it. It’s a coincidence that I got accepted to the camp/seminary/high school/G.O job that I wanted about twenty seconds after I started therapy. What did therapy have to do with that?”

Or, “Yeah, my mother and I are getting along better now. But that’s because I’m not that obnoxious or grouchy or intolerant like I used to be. I just matured. You know?”

Or, “I made a new friend, that’s why I’m feeling better. Nothing to do with therapy. I mean it’s not like you made her be friends with me or anything. it just happened.”

Uh-huh. Nothing to do with therapy that you made a good impression on that interview to camp, job, or seminary. Nothing to do with therapy that your bunkmate clicked with you now that you are less anxious and negative. Nothing to do with therapy at all. I mean, what does a therapist do anyway? She just sits there and says stupid stuff like, “And how does that make you feel?” or, “What do you think you could/should/want to do about that?” I mean, it’s obvious that if you would know, you are probably thinking, then I wouldn’t need to be in therapy so what kind of dumb question is that?

Whatever. You are going to try this therapy thing just to prove to all those annoying people in your life that you are FINE. And therapy doesn’t help anyway.

Except, it does. Unless you work really, really, hard to make sure it doesn’t.

The number one thing that needs to happen when you enter a therapy room for the first time and meet your therapist is that you click. As simple as that. Personally, I can feel that click on the very first session with any client that I meet. When that click happens, even when therapy gets derailed and complicated and messy some many months later, I know we will pull through because that click happened.

What makes that click happen? Usually, nothing special. It’s when a dedicated therapist meets a committed person who wants to be helped. You know how every first grader falls in love with their teacher no matter how ugly, messy, pimply, or short that teacher is? If that teacher is warm, if that child is ready to learn, then presto, it clicks. If that kid would have been in a different first grade teacher’s class, almost the same thing would have happened.

That’s what happens in therapy too.

For those of you who are in therapy, and you share your therapy travails with friends who are also in therapy, you usually find it fascinating how you both feel the same way about your therapist (you love, love, love her even when you haaaaate her), although your therapists seem so different. And you are positively sure you would NEVER get along with your friend’s therapist because she is totally not like YOUR therapist.

Reality check. If you would have each walked into the opposite therapist’s office, you both would be still feeling the same way about your therapist! I promise.

So why do some people go from therapist to therapist? is it bad luck? Are they simply falling in with the worst therapists in the world?

The truth? Although that is sometimes possible that a person has met a simply awful therapist, although it’s also possible that sometimes two good people are absolutely, positively wrong for each other; most of the time, when a client and therapist don’t click, it’s because the client is not ready for a therapeutic relationship. The client is not ready to do the work to change. It’s not the client’s fault; but it’s the reality of the situation.

But this click should automatically happen AFTER you have done the to find the right therapist for you. Without the right groundwork, the click may not be able to happen.

So let’s talk about what you need to look for in a therapist.

Someone licensed. Not certified. I’m not going to go into all the stuff of why it’s important to see a licensed therapist except that she is LEGALLY bound by confidentiality which someone unlicensed is not; and if something goes wrong there is a licensing board you can complain to and even get her license revoked or temporarily suspended if she has done something unethical!

But licensing aside, look for someone with experience. At least five years post-college, meaning she is no longer an intern (studying to be a therapist) and she has at least five years from when she finished college to when you are going to meet her.

If you specifically feel comfortable with either a male or female, then that is the gender you should go for. It doesn’t need to make sense; it just needs to feel right to you. If there are other things that specifically matter to you, then go for it. If you need someone whose office is neat and clean and airy; if you don’t care, it doesn’t matter. Great therapists have messy, cluttered, or even boring offices. If you need someone from your religious community or out of your community. If you want specifically someone who works in a private setting, or if you can’t afford therapy and need someone who works in a clinic that takes your insurance.

All of these things are stuff you should think about before you make an appointment.

Another really important thing is if you have an issue that is specific, then make sure your choice of therapist has training, knowledge, and experience in specifically that field. For example, grief work, work with blended families, eating disorders, anxiety disorders such as agoraphobia, depressive disorders including suicide ideation.

It’s important not to be afraid to ask questions about a potential therapist’s licensing, trainings in specific fields, fee, and years in practice. Because the therapist you definitely DON’T want to hire is one

that gets on the defensive or acts all huffy if you ask these questions. You want a therapist who is humble, not arrogant; warm, not uncaring; responsive, not cold. Any therapist who tells you to just “trust” her is someone you probably should not trust. Therapy is about a relationship, about good training, and the ability to recognize one’s limitations, mistakes, and bad days that influence us!

I tell any potential client that all we need is one session to see if we are a click or not. Some therapists think that’s too quick and 3 sessions are more practical before saying no to a therapist.

Some therapists will meet a client and then say that they are not a good fit and give a referral. If you don’t want to be stuck in that situation, then make sure when you make an appointment that if the therapist has that policy, she won’t charge for that first visit if she dumps you after. Only fair, I think.

Go ahead. Do your research, make that call. And if you find fault with every therapist you meet, it could be bad luck, but it’s probably just you.

And don’t believe a single thing my clients tell you about me. Or, if they do, chalk it up to CoVID-19. I think I should see someone!

Originally published in Mishpacha Teen Pages