Welcome to Mars

WELCOME TO MARS

Are you starry-eyed? Think you got the best boy in Mir? In Lakewood? From Mars? That he’s perfect for you and you for him?

Or, are you a bit nervous about the whole I-am-going-to-be-married-to-this-perfect-stranger-for-the-rest-of-my-life-yikes!?

I will tell you a big secret: Shalom Bayis doesn’t depend on whether you’re the happy or the nervous version. It depends on how you’re able to manage the newness of being a newlywed, with all of its surprises, even the not-so-good ones, without causing damage to the relationship.

Because the best boy from Lakewood still forgets to pick up the cleaners on the way to Minchah even though his wife (you!) reminded him via text, phone, email, and telegram; and the guy you get to marry for the rest of your life doesn’t stay a stranger for too long.

What matters is not if you disagree about the big and the small things which marriages and life are made up of, rather how you manage those disagreements. It matters less if you married the best man on Mars than if his wife can learn to live with an alien despite his third eye and his indecipherable language.

No girl gets married thinking she’s going to argue with her husband, that she will be kvetchy, disappointed, irritable, annoyed, upset, crying, frustrated, or angry. Everybody gets married thinking that she’ll be that perfect wife who knows exactly what to say or do so that her home is a gleaming jewel of perfection.  No girl can imagine that she’ll be annoyed at something as silly as her husband leaving the toothpaste cover off the tube so that there’s toothpaste  all over the sink, or that he forgot to buy milk and she has to eat her cereal with apple juice. No kallah thinks she’ll be upset that her mother-in-law invited them for the last night of Chanukah when she was planning on getting together with her friends.   Of course she expects that when she tells him that she wants to go out with her friends instead of sitting with his boring family he will  totally understand, be supportive, and tell his mother to invite them the second night instead. Right? Ha. Wrong.

You’re going to find your own he-forgot-the-toothpaste-cover type of inane thing that will get under your skin. And you’ll feel absolutely justified that what you’re upset about is nothing like leaving the toothpaste cover off the tube. Your problem—or rather his problem—is really a problem! And maybe, maybe, you only married the second best boy in the Mir.

But you would be wrong to think so. Your husband is perfect. For you. And you for him. And marriage is not about starting out perfect, but about striving and reaching perfection—or something close to that—throughout the hundred or so years that you will be married to each other.

There are five standard issues with which every couple struggles. And every couple is given their set of challenges, in their own way, to their own degree. After we identify each category, you’ll realize that every single argument has its roots in one of them. These are normal struggles for normal couples. So when you’re faced with these issues once the honeymoon phase peters out, you can simply say, “Oh! So that’s what that article was talking about. There’s nothing wrong with me—or my husband—we just need to figure a way to work it out or accept this.” You don’t need to get all hysterical that you’re mismatched or that you made a huge mistake.

When faced with any aspect of the following issues, from the perspective of a former Kallah teacher and a couples therapist, here’s what I would advise: First, remember all the good reasons you married your husband. Then, take a deep breath and don’t talk about the issue while you’re upset. Do find the right time to bring it up and hear your husband out. Realize that there may be different ways to look at this situation, and your way is not necessarily the only one. Try to find solutions to the problem, if possible; and accept what cannot be changed. Involve a Rav, Rebbetzin, or therapist to gain perspective on the problem if it seems too big for you to handle yourselves. They will also guide you as to whether or not your parents should be involved. Otherwise, don’t betray your spouse by sharing negative things about him to your family members. Eventually, IY”H you will be blissfully married but your family members will always remember that negativity.

Marital issue boil down to five main categories:  intimacy, money, in-laws, religion, and parenting. Intimacy issues are best discussed with your kallah teacher, mother, or mentor. When you’re blessed with the happy news that you’re on your way to becoming a parent, I would strongly suggest that you educate yourself through asking questions, attending shiurim and parenting classes and reading parenting books.

So we are left with issues regarding money, in-laws, and religion.

Let me reassure you very strongly that when issues come up, they are not signals that things are wrong between the two of you but rather they are opportunities for growth in your relationship—even if that particular issue is totally unexpected.

Don’t waste your energy looking enviously in your friend’s direction, thinking, “I’m sure she’s not having these problems!” Maybe she is and maybe she isn’t. You have no idea what goes on behind closed doors. But she is definitely coping with her own, unique set of marital adjustments and issues that Hashem has created for her own personal growth.

What arguments could you possibly have about money? Attitudes on spending versus saving, what constitutes important purchases versus frivolous purchases, (for example, he  thinks a cleaning lady once a week is excessive, she thinks it’s standard.), she earns the money; he knows nothing about budgets,  in his house, his mother paid the bills, in her house her father did; who does it now? He likes to spend on flowers; she thinks it’s a waste of money. These are just a few small examples but they are all normal and a couple just needs to learn how to navigate these issues. How? Well, first identify the money issue at hand. Is it a money problem or power struggle? Difference of opinion or bad middos?Be honest. Then voice your concerns and present compromises rather than solutions. Rarely is any issue truly insurmountable.

Here come the in-laws (I refuse to make mother-in-law jokes since I became one!). No matter how wonderful in-laws can be, the simple fact that two people who come from two different homes get married is bound to bring up contradictory views. Contrasting opinions may come to a head on topics such as; cleanliness, child-rearing, how to celebrate birthdays, where to go the first seder night and whether or not disposable dishes are appropriate for the  Shabbos table. In-laws issues can also refer to the relationship itself; how much a spouse spends time by his/her parents, expectations of behavior, or sometimes, downright unpleasantness or criticism. Everybody has to learn to cope with a whole new family. And here’s how: Appreciate what a good job his parents did in raising your husband that you liked him enough to marry him. Thank his parents! Realize that as long as the difference in opinion is not against halachah or dysfunctional, your way does not hold any more weight than your husband’s. Communicate your needs. Be open to other ideas. Compromise. If you need to be the winner of every argument, that makes you the wife of a loser. Something to think about—no?

Religious issues can feel daunting. A kallah thought that she married  a masmid; she had no idea that he struggles to wake up in a timely manner each morning. Minyan, night seder, the role of tefillah in the life of a woman, expectations about where to vacation or how to have fun together, what music, dress, or wig is acceptable, and chumros or kulos each half of the couple is accustomed to, can take a newly married bride by surprise. Especially when her father gets up vasikin to daven, and wouldn’t miss shiur even the night of his daughter’s (you) sheva berachos, and asks all his children to make brachos aloud, and would never listen to a radio talk show about the presidential elections. Let me tell you, darling that the problem with this perspective is that you met your father about twenty years after he was married. Just wait until your daughter idolizes her father and wonders why her own husband forgets to put negel vasser at his bed…

Overall, often, if all else fails, the input of a rav, rebbetzin, chosson teacher, or high school teacher can be invaluable in putting perspectives into place and helping you through these types of transitions.

Marriage is a beautiful experience filled with discovery and so much happiness and growth. These setbacks are generally part of this normal process of discovery. Don’t panic if any of these issues crop up.  Instead, feel assured that these things are faced by most couples on some level or another and there are usually solutions and perspectives that can help a new bride to navigate these pitfalls. And even when something has no solution, or no immediate solution, acceptance can be easier knowing that the issue at hand is normal and not dysfunctional.

One last thing before you sail off into the sunset with Mr. Perfect-for-You. If there are things that disturb you, or you are not sure if what is happening is normal or not, ASK! If the issue is normal, you’ll be in great shape for setting things straight immediately. If something is amiss, it’s easiest to address a problem early on too. There’s no reason to suffer in silence. The path to bliss is within your reach, you just might need to extend your hand a bit further to grasp it. You think marriage would be wonderful if only you married yourself? Easier, maybe; boring—definitely!

Have fun on Mars!