The Seminary Lie

I explained the problem to the Rav.

The Rav said, “She is allowed to say no on the application.”

In essence, the Rav was saying my client would be allowed to lie on her application. Yes?

The Rav said, “When she is answering the question on the application, the answer in that moment will be true.”

Yes, that’s true.

Now, when my teen clients ask my opinion about THAT question on their seminary application, we explore it, and ultimately, I say, “You can ask a she’eilah. This is the response I received when I asked.”

Now that I clearly explained how the problem is no longer a problem for my clients, I can tell you what exactly the problem is. And when I do that, many of you who are teachers and principals of seminaries, and even directors of camps — traveling and otherwise — will find a new problem in the absence of my client’s problem.

I am referring to the questions on seminary applications that ask “Are you in therapy?” and “Are you taking medication?”

My clients do not want to write yes in response to these questions. First of all, their private life is nobody’s business. Secondly, they are afraid (and in many cases, rightly so) that if they respond yes to either of these questions, they will not be accepted to the seminary of their choice. Therapy and medication label them a problem. That’s the problem.

I know you want me to identify the Rav who gave me the psak that a girl does not need to divulge such information and because leaving the answer blank is already saying, “Yes, I go to therapy; yes, I take medication,” she is allowed to say no. NO.

You will argue, esteemed principals and teachers and camp directors, that it is irresponsible for a parent to withhold such crucial information. You need to know if a student may have panic attacks, has asthma or diabetes, suffers from depression, is deathly afraid of heights, open spaces, closed spaces, or vomit. It is irresponsible, you argue, not to know if a student may need therapy during seminary to deal with her parents’ divorce, her brother’s illness, her grandfather’s death.

Yes and no. Some things are important for a school or camp to know about. If climbing mountains is part of a school tiyul or travel camp itinerary, obviously it would be dangerous if a girl with asthma, panic disorder, or other condition that precludes her from climbing would not disclose it.

But I’m not so sure every situation that brings a girl into therapy needs to be disclosed, or if disclosing it is even in the best interests of the student. She comes to therapy to cope with her grandmother’s stroke and how it has impacted her; how is that relevant to her post-high school life in an Eretz Yisrael seminary, especially since she terminated therapy appropriately once she graduated?

Why should a student who has worked hard with the challenges she has been given from Hashem suffer the indignity of not being accepted to a seminary because of those G-d-given challenges?

Because, Mindy, you will say, our seminary is not equipped to handle a girl with asthma, with panic disorder, with a traumatic history.

Well, you should be equipped to handle that girl, and every girl.

The same way no girl should be denied a seminary experience because of wheelchair accessibility (in the USA, it is mandatory to provide wheelchair access) — and it would unforgivable if such a thing was possible in our community that prides itself on chessed — no girl with any other challenge should be denied access to the seminary of her choice for any challenge with which she is faced. A seminary catering to the frum community, despite being a for-profit venture, has a civic responsibility to meet these challenges. How else can a seminary claim to be a school of higher education, of higher moral standards, a role model of Jewish behavior, philosophy, and thought, if they fail so spectacularly on this level?

Still, you say, that’s not being realistic. Not every seminary, unfortunately, is wheelchair accessible, is knowledgeable about dealing with depression, has the resources to deal with anxiety disorder. And if we want to equip ourselves, we can’t equip ourselves for every conceivable situation. It makes more sense for us to know in advance so we can address the needs of that special situation.

Also, you press on, when we don’t know about a situation and during the actual seminary year there is an episode related to the secret, not only does the student suffer, but the other girls in seminary suffer too. It is scary for them to watch a girl decompensate with depression or have panic or asthma attacks. These students also deserve to be protected.

Agreed. We do need to deal with the reality of the limitations of various seminaries. And the other students also need to feel safe and protected even when there are atypical situations going on with their fellow students.

And don’t tell me that seminaries would never not accept a girl on the basis of her disclosure about therapy or medication, because in the case I mentioned in paragraph one, when there was a problem because this information was not disclosed, and as the therapist, I was blamed by the seminary for this (I couldn’t blame the Rav because this client lied on the application without asking a she’eilah, unfortunately), the seminary principal said, “Of course we wouldn’t have accepted her had we known she was in therapy!”

And this was after the principal said, “We heard such great information about her. She is such a baalas middos, and so brilliant.”

So she shouldn’t deserve to be accepted on the basis of her courage to use therapy and medication to become an even better person?

I have some ideas.

Are you ready?

First of all, strike these types of questions from the application.

Second, attach to the application a disclaimer detailing which issues your seminary has difficulty coping with and encouraging girls with these issues not to apply — without saying it’s forbidden to do so.

Third, once you send out the admittance letters, write something like this:

Now that you are accepted, please let us know about any medical condition you have, physical or emotional or other, whether or not you think it will impact your year in seminary. We want to make sure we are best prepared to help support you in your seminary year. Your acceptance will NOT be withdrawn if you make this information known to us at this time; however, if you arrive at seminary and you have withheld the information and we find out, you will be sent home immediately.

            Promise complete confidentiality, of course. Identify the only people who will know about this issue. Protect not only yourself, but your student.

            If this is your attitude, then it will filter down to the students in your seminary as you figure out how to educate and prepare your seminary girls for how to react and manage atypical situations that arise with their roommates, classmates, and sem-mates.

The fourth recommendation is that if a girl does present with a condition that is simply untenable with acceptance to your seminary after she is accepted — for example, she has a severe allergy to dust and your seminary is located in the dustiest corner of Eretz Yisrael with no access to cleaning help, mops, cleaning detergents, and water, then you can speak to her and her parents explaining the situation. And there needs to be an agreement among seminaries, that should such a situation arise, then one seminary can request that another seminary of this girl’s choice accept her at this time.

I can’t imagine a student and her parents glaringly ignoring her physical and emotional health in such a situation. If yes, there is always recourse (drum roll) you can go to a Rav! Maybe even the same one who is happy that he no longer has to give a psak to fudge the truth on a seminary application.

You don’t need to ask me for his name. Because every client who asked this she’eilah got the same answer I did. As you will.

Ask.

Originally published in Binah Magazine