When a Kid Has Cancer What Should Other Kids Do

Baruch Shmuely was always a regular kid, just like me. Now, he’s a kid with cancer. I know that shouldn’t come between us. Just one month ago, we would eat supper at each other’s houses and race down the block on scooters. We’d shoot hoops together. We’d fight over who won. But now, it’s like there’s a whole unbridgeable world in between us. A world of hospital visits and nausea and surgery and losing hair. Basketball? I don’t think that’s on his mind right now. I’m so embarrassed–I don’t know how to look him in the eye. I don’t know how to say “What’s up?” I’m scared of what he’ll answer.

An expert weighs in… When a child is afflicted with cancer, what can neighbors and friends do to bridge the gap?

RESPONSE:

He’s still your friend, right? Even if so many things have changed, that one very important thing—that he is still your friend—doesn’t need to change. So don’t be embarrassed to look him in the eye and say, “What’s up?”

Embarrassed means you think he did something wrong. And of course he didn’t do anything wrong by getting sick, right? Or that you did something wrong. Which is what you may be afraid of. Doing or saying the wrong thing. But there is nothing you can do or say wrong except for acting like he is not your friend anymore.

Whatever you guys like to do before hasn’t changed. He still likes sports or books or games, he still likes to hear about the hock from yeshiva and how the tenth graders got raided by the eleventh graders. He still has a sense of humor and he still gets bored without company.

Bridge the gap of yesterday, of pre-cancer, and today by doing what friends do. Stopping by. Schmoozing. Playing. Asking him straight about his cancer, his bald head, his treatment, even what the doctors told him. Say or do anything you would do if you wouldn’t be scared. If he doesn’t like it, he will tell you. If something needs to be changed, like the length of your visit, or even what you talk about or do, don’t worry. He will tell you. Or his parent will. Big deal if he gets upset. Even if it’s at you. If you are friends, real friends, you guys will work it out.

#2

Yitzy Shmuely used to make me the best Lego airplanes in the world. But now he just lies on the couch. He doesn’t say anything or do anything. There’s a water balloon with a super long crazy straw that is poked into his hand. That means that he is very sick. Mommy says to say “Refuah Shelaimah” when I come. I asked him if he wants a cookie to make him feel better, but he just shook his head and gave me a tiny, tiny smile and didn’t say anything. He was looking at me, but it felt like he was really sleeping with his eyes open. Next time I come, I’m going to make him an airplane. Maybe that will make Shmuely be happy again.

An expert weighs in… How can parents introduce weighty concepts like illness to children in a healthy way?

RESPONSE

Here is the bottom line: The way the adult feels and acts about any challenging subject is the way a child will absorb that information.

That means you, as the adult, need to be in a healthy place about the illness in order for you to talk to kids in a healthy way about it. If you are anxious and hysterical, no matter how beautifully you talk hashkafah or positivity, the child you are talking to will feel that it’s not authentic and react to what you are feeling and not to what you are saying.

The second thing to know is give a child information at their chronological, emotional, and spiritual age and level (even the child himself about his own illness), and answer the questions that follow, respecting a child’s need to ask questions even if you do not know the answers; and respecting the child’s need not to ask questions either—until s/he is ready to ask, if ever. And of course, always leave the door wide open for more dialogue and questions at any time.

A child’s fears are directly related to the atmosphere around him that the adults exude, not the thing itself. So a child is not afraid of cancer, of baldness, of surgery or even of death, believe it or not; he is afraid of his parents’ fear. That does not mean a child can’t be worried about his or other’s illness, death, chemo, or surgery. Bringing up the opportunity to talk about these worries will alleviate them and give the tools to cope. And it will give everyone the space they need to still be a family, friend, or cousin.