Back to School Social Scene

Dear Mindy
It’s back to school. My daughter is 10 and all excited to start a new year. She’s a straight A student and because she is, she is more the shy type and doesn’t attract as many friends. Last year she complained and I had to speak to her teachers many times to make sure it was well handled. I feel like it will happen all over again . Do you have any good ideas for what my daughter can do in order to ” get in with the crowd?”

Thank you
Chaya
Mill basin

Chaya,
Sometimes, when I read a question like this, the way the parent presents the issue, makes it jump out at me how the problem that is being addressed may not actually be the child’s, but the mother’s.

Here is what strikes me: A ten-year-old, academically successful, but a little shy, is excited about a new school year. She has little, or even zero recollection of past disappointments of the year before (as evident in her positive attitude for the coming year), and it’s her mother who is rehashing past experiences and projecting a gloomy prognosis for her daughter’s ability to be successful socially in her new grade without parental intervention. Whew.

Even more, there is a sweeping generalization that because she is the straight A type, she is more shy; and doesn’t attract many friends as a result. There are many straight A students who are very much socially outgoing and popular. Question: why does she even need to attract as many friends? Here again, it appears that you, as the parent, is projecting her social expectations onto her child. Social success is not dependent on the ability to attract many friends; it’s the child’s feelings of social competence and comfort with her peer group, whatever that may be at her developmental age.

Although I do not have any more information about you or your family dynamics, the social issues that caused your daughter to complain last year, or the type of interventions that you tried to institute with your daughter’s teachers to improve her social life, why you think it will happen again this year, and why you think it’s important to “get in with the crowd,” I will address your concerns globally so that you extrapolate what you need to help your daughter enjoy her social life successfully.

The way you have worded your question and concerns, makes me hazard a guess that this daughter is your oldest daughter. I would also hazard a second guess that you had experienced some painful social issues that make you hypersensitive to your daughter’s and are trying to help her in a way you felt you had not been helped as a child.

Firstly, it’s important for a parent to assess if a child has social issues or if she is merely going through developmental stages and normal social developmental that can involve learning to navigate socially with her peers. Building a child’s confidence (explored in previous columns) goes a long way in helping a child do this well. You can assess this by noting if your child has friends her own age in at least some venues (example: her neighborhood or bungalow colony; cousins or family friends); and if she has a friend or two at school she enjoys spending time with in and out of school. She does not need to be “in with the crowd” in order to be socially content; unless she is feeling pressure from a parent that she should be more popular or friends with her mother’s friends’ daughters.

If she is isolated in school and has a social life elsewhere, then you may want to examine what is occurring at school and how much of it is her fault. It may just well be that this class or school is not the right fit; or a new teacher and grade can erase the previous problems.

It may be possible that her complaints are normal ups and downs and what she needs is

your sympathy and validation and not necessarily intervention; don’t project your worry onto your child. If you wait a day or so, most likely things will resolve itself. If you notice a pattern and your child is unhappy, first try to give her tools to resolve issues by herself with your encouragement and faith in her ability to do so. Only as a last resort, involve the teacher. Teachers find it difficult to work with parents who come across as chronically dissatisfied, unable to tolerate any discomfort for her child.

I also would encourage you to be open minded when approaching teachers and principals with your child’s issues, and listen to their assessment of the problem. If there is a consensus that your child may need outside intervention to make her social adjustment easier, either because there are inherent social issues, or problems at home that are impacting her functioning, then do consult a child therapist.

And here is the most important thing: you are her parent. Of course, if there is a real and ongoing issue, your child is unhappy, and none of the above is successful in helping her, a parents must advocate for her child. If you have a good relationship with this child, and have been open minded about the way you, your daughter’s teacher, and your daughter have been dealing with this issue and are still not satisfied, then trust your gut. A ten-year-old must have the support of her parents and other adults in her environment; and should not suffer needlessly.

Good luck in the new school year. As a mother, former teacher, and present therapist, I wish all mothers would take the active interest you do in your child’s well-being, and attempts to be proactive in helping their children!

Originally published in Echo Magazine