24 7 is not Heaven

Yes, there are many loved ones who are irritated at me because they can’t reach me easily; and there are even more people irritated at me because they are forced to call me if they need to reach me out of work hours, because they much prefer texting. To them, I say, too bad; I love you, too.

My relationships have not suffered as a result of this decision I made 6 years ago; I just may have less relationships altogether, which honestly, is perfectly fine with me. Relationships based on inscrutable emojis, forwarded nonsense, and otherwise inane texts have exited my life; thank goodness. My work has not suffered as a result either; it has probably improved. Not having to be on call 24/7 for clients has made me more emotionally available when I am in session with them, and when their need is dire enough to warrant a phone call, or a voice message that will have me call them back.

I’m trying to think if there is anything that I have missed out on because of my lack of 24/7 availability. I’m sure it’s happened, but as I can’t remember anything specific, it obviously was nothing I regret missing.

My children all have kosher phones, some with text, some without. We barely communicate with text, although I do have one kid that sends me pictures via phone which I love, and the other sends me funny poems which I love, too. But the one who sends me stuff via email gets the same love; I only see all of these anyway when I get to my office where my technology lives.

So, let’s talk about this 24/7 availability that text has created.

I Googled this: negative and positive consequences of being available 24/7 to text.

When I write an article, even if my intention is to slant the article towards the opinion I hold (in this case an anti-text/technology one), I do like to know if I’m being unreasonable or committing a journalistic faux pas, like yellow journalism. To my gloomy satisfaction, Google had mainly rotten stuff to say about how texting has created this 24/7 availability demand a monster in our lives.

Curious? Okay, here goes:

If you want to know about another thing that is causing heightened anxiety in an era where everyone practically is in therapy for anxiety, the pressure to respond to texts is another factor of increasing anxiety in people. I found that interesting, because while I don’t normally feel pressure to respond to texts immediately; I do find that pressure building in me when others don’t respond rapidly to my texts! Yeah, that is another anxiety producing issue that texts cause. For adolescents who text, this pressure to receive responses is even more anxiety provoking as it is tied into social standing, popularity, self-esteem, and all that stuff those of us over 25 remember from our own adolescence; but this texting issue is social anxiety on steroids.

But for those of us who are over 25, our anxiety may be less about social issues that texting represents and more about the stuff we deal with; like shidduchim, work related issues, and gossip (gulp). Suddenly, if there is no text five minutes after a b’show or date, the anxiety spikes high as the Empire State Building. Same as if it’s about work. A boss who sends a text expects immediate responses; a worker panics without a boss’s immediate response.

Coye Chesir, a professor of psychology, has an interesting spin on why texting creates anxiety that outpaces the anxiety we experienced in previous generations when phone calls were how we communicated. Technology, he says, has become so fast paced, that what is considered norms of communication, keeps changing; leaving people with no hard rules about what is considered etiquette from one day, literally, to the next.

I know this to be true, because when my clients do text me (even if I remind them a million times about my two phones and how I won’t see texts until the next time I am in the office), my younger clients will send five or six question mark texts if I don’t immediately answer, while my older clients will either assume I am not responding because I am annoyed at them, or call me instead (remembering about my two phones).

Believe it or not, being “text compatible” is a new buzzword in relationships. I can only imagine how much stress this puts on a relationship if two people are not text compatible; a situation in which there are variabilities in how texting is used. For example, the frequency of texting, the rapidness of a response, use of texting to send memes and jokes, and use of emojis instead of words.

All of this can make 24/7 availability demands on a relationship; no wonder the added anxiety!

But there’s more negatives to being available in such an open ended manner.

There was actually a study that showed that upon being interrupted at a task, it takes 23 minutes and 15 seconds to resume productivity at that same task. I don’t think it takes rocket scientists to tell us that employer productivity is down, down, down because of the constant texting that is going on; and for teachers in schools where students have their phones (whether the school rule allows for them or not), student work is greatly compromised as a result (in or out of school!).

You want more?

Sleep studies show that people who are available 24/7 to text (even if I’m exaggerating and it’s more like 18/7 availability!), are so hyper alert all the time expecting texts, that their sleep patterns are greatly disrupted. It’s hard for them to fall  asleep, stay asleep, and if they are awakened by their texts buzzing, their ability to fall asleep again is further impacted. It’s not just teens that are bleary-eyed at school, but mothers who are crankier in the mornings with their kids, and employers/employees who are much more unpleasant to be around.

Texting is six times more dangerous to pedestrians than driving while intoxicated! The story we had a few years ago with the frum 19-year-old driver who killed a man because she was texting while driving is awful; the addictive pull towards the phone is one most people relate to, even if it didn’t result in an arrest for killing a father of 3.

It’s hard to believe but there are a bunch of syndromes related to texting;  syndromes specific to people who simply can’t stop texting.

Carpal Tunnel Syndrome, which happens when a nerve running down the arm into the hand is compressed, is now referred to as text messaging syndrome! It’s seriously not fun to be confronted with the weakness, tingling, numbness, or pain that often necessitates surgery.

You ever heard of text neck syndrome? Yes, it’s a real thing, when the downward body angle at which people text causes tension or soreness of the neck; and which can lead to real spinal issues such as pinched nerves and spinal deterioration.

Another medical problem caused by compulsive texting is called texting thumb, which is when the tendon in the thumb becomes inflamed as a result of texting, leading to thumb pain around the knuckle; and a clicking sound when bending the thumb. Finger, hand, and elbow pain are the result of two more syndromes called text claw and cell phone elbow. I am not making any of this up.

Obviously, people who get these syndromes are not people who text occasionally; no, it’s for people who are hooked into their phones, available to satisfy their phones constant buzzing, and if there is not enough buzzing happening, create text messages to get those buzzes coming.

So, yeah, these were all the things I found out while checking out the negative consequences of being non stop available to everyone who texts, requiring your input to respond similarly. But what about positive aspects to being available? I didn’t find any positive about being constantly available. No research, no personal stories, no articles at all lauding the wonders of being available at the drop of a text to respond. Maybe there is something positive about such availability, but nothing that I could find.

Now, of course there are times in our lives when we wait by the phone, glued to the blinking lights, waiting for a call to come in. Maybe, there’s a snowstorm and we wait to hear if they got home safely from the wedding, if the interview went well and he got the job, if finally, he proposed on this date. But it’s draining if this type of waiting and responding goes on and on and on, no end in sight. For so many people, this has become a way of life and they don’t even know what life feels like without that high energy that comes from being on the constant watch for texts.

Although we generally think of an addiction as being a substance that causes chemical changes to the brain and altering behaviors as a result, like alcohol or drugs, there are specific behaviors that cause the same chemical changes. Although not yet in the DSM as a disorder, nomophobia is the word used today to name an addiction for people who are afraid of being without their mobile phones.

Do you think you are not addicted to your phone, that you can stop texting whenever you want? Here are some symptoms that may shock you into realizing that something actually may be wrong with your phone use. If someone gets anxious, irritated or angry when they are forced to be away from their phone, that may indicate a phone addiction. You know how the second you wake up, or walk out of the shower, or Shabbos ends, you reach for the phone, almost instinctively? That’s a symptom.

Lying about how often you are on the phone is another. Like, when people talk about how much they text, and you say something like, “I’m hardly on it,” when if you would just check your call log, your text log, and count them up, it would shock you to pieces to see how often you actually text. Another is feeling a phantom vibration. Yup. It’s having the sensation of your phone vibrating when it didn’t; or, it’s yom tov and you know it’s impossible to feel it because your phone is tucked away in its drawer. Scary, no? Because lots of you are reading this and scared to admit it can be you I’m describing.

FOMO, fear of missing out, getting up in the middle of the night and checking your phone, and shutting out the concerns of others who tell you that you are too much on your phone are all more symptoms you may want to pay attention to.

Look, are there benefits to texting? Sure. I would rather text my fish store my order than call them. I would rather text my husband the stuff I want him to buy in the grocery on his way home from work so he won’t forget the 3 things I need. I would rather get a text reminding me of a doctor’s appointment than a phone call. But do I want to spend my time reading five hundred texts of mazel tov, mazel tov, mazel tov when one person texts to a group that her son got engaged?  NO.

So yes, I read one article, one only, that described the benefits of texting. But get this. The cardinal rule of texting, the article wrote, quoting Tchiki Davis, Phd, who is considered an expert on technology and health, is that you should not be texting when in the company of others! If people would subscribe to this axiom, then the craziness of being available to respond to texts 24/7 would become a moot point. I personally don’t know too many people who are not in the company of others for most of the day. Others include your kids, spouse, siblings, friends, workmates, and in the grocery store. So the little you are alone, fine, you can text.

A few years ago, we were all shaken by the Meron tragedy.

But here is my story. My husband was in Meron a few steps away from the carnage. I don’t have text, so I didn’t see any texts about it. I went to sleep without worrying about my husband at all. I didn’t know I needed to worry. My children, who are not on chats or social media, didn’t either know they needed to worry. We all slept soundly. The next morning, I woke up to my husband’s messages that he was fine. I’m not sure what would have been gained had I worried all night until my husband got back his phone service to call me. And if chas v’shalom I would have needed to know something, I have no doubt, somebody would have found a way to call me, to knock at my door.

When I was in Florida, using my smartphone for the Uber app, I ended up checking my texts and messages more often than I was proud of. It was ridiculous. I was enjoying a wonderful vacation with my children, and I was disgusted at myself the amount of time I spent looking at texts that if I had not taken my phone with me—as I rarely do—I would not have missed out on even those ten minutes enjoying my children and grandchildren.

I love my dumb phone with no text. It frees me up to be social with who really matters to me. I’m glad your daughter got engaged, but if you don’t feel close enough to call me to let me know, I couldn’t care less if I find out next month. Or next year. Or when I get the invitation that I will probably throw out after I use the back of it for my grocery list.

I have no FOMO. Everyone I love knows how to use a phone to call me.