I was a teacher for many years before I became a therapist. Over the years, whenever I wronged a student, I tried to find a way to apologize if I knew that a student held some grudge or was upset at me. A few times I actually knew when I had wronged a student, and I waited until I knew that student was as an adult on some level and then reached out to apologize, hoping that time would put things into perspective and we could reconcile; I could be forgiven.
At this point in time, I doubt there is a student who is still holding anger against me, if for no other reason than that as we grow, we become more forgiving and understanding, and our perspectives are broadened to hold so many different realities. I see that also in myself, when I think of teachers who hurt me as a child. I see them now either as hurting individuals themselves who lacked the capacity to teach, or as simply doing their best with their set of tools and talents and troubles.
I realize that we are all flawed human beings and that many of them tried their best. I can even see how I may have been challenging to teach, or that they didn’t know what teachers know today and therefore they reacted as best as they could to situations I have no doubt they would treat differently today.
But I can’t say the same of myself as a therapist. I am not sure at all that clients who left me in anger can or will ever forgive me. Worse, there may be clients who I have no idea are even angry, and yet they are. I know this because I did some work for an organization. A secretary there mentioned to me how Mrs. X, another volunteer at the organization, heard of my contributions and expressed anger about me, disclosing that she had seen me as a client and left because of something I had said that hurt her deeply.
What makes this little vignette so terrible to me is that I had no recollection that Mrs. X was angry. When I went back to my records, I saw that I had seen her twice and she had texted that she realized she is not ready for therapy yet, and would call me back when she is. There was no indication in my notes that anything untoward had occurred, that I suspected anything other than an unreadiness for therapy at that time.
That exchange shook me up because it was obvious in how the secretary repeated Mrs. X’s reaction to me that there was a deep bitterness and anger at me, and for my part, I had met this woman for barely two hours and there was no memory at all of our time together—definitely no indication that I had hurt her in some way that had left such a lasting impact.
Even more, while I feel comfortable reaching out to a former student to apologize (and I have), the dynamics of therapy are such that if I ever use supervision to discuss doing the same for a former client, it is unanimous that reaching out has the potential to cause more harm than good and I need to wait for Hashem to bring about that opportunity without my initiating it.
Here is what I want to tell clients whose therapists have (unwittingly) hurt them: Reach out. I know that I would welcome any chance to repair any hurt I have caused. Each and every client—whether or not my interactions have been so brief as to render that memory almost obsolete—is very important to me. I want to own my part; I want to apologize. And if it is more about clearing up misunderstandings than apologizing, I want to do that as well.
As a therapist—as for anyone in the health field—the motto is to do no harm. I take that very seriously. Yom Kippur is an opportunity both to reach out and to reach toward. I welcome the opportunity. Sometimes, to be a frum Jew in the therapy room gives us both a chance to repair, to heal. Will you?
Originally published in Binah Magazine
Using an 8-step protocol which includes a back-and-forth movement (originally only of the eyes; presently, more varied options), EMDR therapy facilitates the accessing and processing of traumatic memories or adverse experiences. It transforms a client's negative beliefs to positive ones, reduces body activation, and allows new behaviors to replace the old.
Somatic IFS is a branch of IFS which uses the 5 practices of: somatic awareness, breath, resonance, movement, and touch. The intention of this practice is to help parts that express themselves through the body reestablish connection to Self, restoring its leadership; healing the injured and traumatized parts, enabling healthy living.
Clinical hypnosis is a technique in which the therapist helps a client go into a deeply focused and relaxed state called a trance, using verbal cues, repetition, and imagery. In this naturally occurring altered state of hypnotic consciousness, therapeutic interventions to address psychological or physical issues are more effective.
IFS views a person as made up of many parts, much like a family, each with its own feelings, thoughts, and even memories. Parts may manifest in troublesome ways, but IFS believes each one is there to protect and help, and the role of therapy is to heal the wounded and hurting parts, uncovering the core Self who will lead these parts with the 8 Cs of: calm, curiosity, clarity, compassion, confidence, courage, creativity, and connectedness.
Sensorimotor Psychotherapy is a body-based, holistic approach to healing that integrates talk therapy, attachment theory, and experiential exercises to address developmental and other trauma that is stored in the body as somatic symptoms. Working with child states and “experiments,” SP therapy accesses material that is often outside of a client’s awareness, facilitating healing and growth.
When the body stores unpleasant sensations as a result of stress, shock, and trauma, SE is a body-based therapy that helps clients to gain awareness of how these cause stuck patterns of flight and fight responses. SE therapy is a gentle method that guides clients to increase their window of tolerance, releasing suppressed trauma and emotions, freeing them of their physical emotional pain.